BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD

Back To The Drawing Board

My Personal Journey

By LTJ

I have never been more excited to go back and try again until now. I’ve been reflecting on life attempting to figure out where it was exactly that I went wrong. Actually that’s the incorrect way of putting it; more like what could I have done better. Please read Change Your Mindset, Change Your Life by LTJ for a detailed explanation for changing my words from wrong to better. In short the word wrong puts a negative spin on my decision and the word better places my faulty decision in a more positive light, leaving room for redemption. Ok let me stay on topic, I made a mistake and it has cost me my growth. I remained blessed despite my decision but because I stepped out of God’s will I remained stagnant. Therefore I had to go back to the drawing board.

I actually equate my experience to the story of Lot and his wife Genesis, when God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah in chapter 19 and verse 26, But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. NIV. Metaphorically, like Lot’s wife in the Bible, my mistake turned my life into a pillar of salt and I have been regretting my decision every since. Background-  I was blessed to move to the city I dreamed of and God illuminated the steps to get there. He blessed me with every opportunity to remain there. He blessed me to be promoted and transfer in my company. He blessed the location, close to the kids school and work. I mean I could go on and on, the point is, favor rained on my situation. Although I was blessed to leave my comfort zone and advance, I still was emotionally tied to my hometown. Tied romantically, emotionally to family and friends I left and I didn’t allow myself to grow mentally because of these ties at home. I left physically but not mentally and emotionally and eventually allowed my past to reel me back in and I left my blessing, I stalled my growth, I stepped out of Gods will and everything from that day forward was real salty. … But God.

I was under the impression that going back home was going to be easy. I figured, well I guess I really didn’t figure, I just assumed that being home, life would be great. I finally decided to truly settle down and move in with my man and his four kids, plus my two boys. I was unable to transfer with the job I had but hey, I could find a job in no time and I had extra income to work off of. It wasn’t like that at all. The first six months was rough. I had become a instant step mom therefore a mother of six kids which was an issue in itself. I couldn’t find a job and my extra income had suddenly ceased. Everything was falling apart. On the sixth month I found employment with a previous employer but was making a little over minimum wage which was far less money than I was making before I moved out of town. My relationship was falling apart due to many things and by the eighth month we sort of separated and I moved out. The first place I moved to flooded twice by torrential rain within weeks of each other so I had to move again. Some friends I had sorely missed were truly showing their true colors. And my main support system, my Grandmother had died a year or so before so I was at a lost. It seemed like all odds were against me. And it was my fault! My decision to step out of God’s will cost me so much personally. And almost 7 years later I am still paying for that debt, the difference from then to now is that I realize my mishap, I have asked God for forgiveness and I have forgiven myself. Now that I have had time to rethink, reevaluate, and I have come to a decision to return from whence I came. I have decided to go back to where I stepped out of God’s will, to the city that my heart desired since I was child. It’s time to go back to the drawing board and start again.

As excited as I am I am also scared and anxious, just as I was when I left the first time. Although I have my reservations I am assured God will provide as He has before. I feel like my book has already been written and God already knew I was going to make this mistake. I feel like I was ordained to come back to be shown that I wasn’t missing anything, to see how blessed I was and to be reminded of how good He is. This experience has opened my eyes and I have matured in this mishap. I am ready in every aspect to see what the future holds for me. I am ready to see my destiny fulfilled. I am ready to experience the fullness of God’s plan for my life. I know if I stay in my current place I will die here wishing, hoping, dreaming and working hard for something that is not meant to be. I’m currently going in circles trying to find my way out and a couple months ago it was revealed that I needed to go back. Back to the drawing board, back to His will.

A lot of folks think going backwards in life is not the best idea to move forward but in some cases it’s the only way to move in the right direction. Life is full of mistakes but we must learn and improve upon them. We will get off track but through every experience we should be learning how to get back on track sooner, before we are lost in our own personal wilderness. And in everything we should learn to pray and consult God before making moves and important life decisions. I'm currently planning, preparing and partnering with God to get me back to the place where I belong. It is never too late to try again as long as you are alive. I’ve learned my lesson, I appreciate the experience and now it’s back to the drawing board.

~LTJ 3/12/2017