Back To The Drawing Board
My Personal Journey
By LTJ
I have never been more excited to go back and try again
until now. I’ve been reflecting on life attempting to figure out where it was
exactly that I went wrong. Actually that’s the incorrect way of putting it;
more like what could I have done better. Please read Change Your Mindset, Change Your Life by LTJ for a detailed explanation
for changing my words from wrong to better. In short the word wrong puts a negative spin on my
decision and the word better places my
faulty decision in a more positive light, leaving room for redemption. Ok let
me stay on topic, I made a mistake and it has cost me my growth. I remained blessed
despite my decision but because I stepped out of God’s will I remained
stagnant. Therefore I had to go back to the drawing board.
I actually equate my experience to the story of Lot and
his wife Genesis, when God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah
in chapter 19 and verse 26, But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a
pillar of salt. NIV. Metaphorically, like Lot’s wife in the Bible, my mistake turned my life into a pillar of salt and I have been regretting my decision every since. Background- I was blessed to move to the city I dreamed of and God
illuminated the steps to get there. He blessed me with every opportunity to
remain there. He blessed me to be promoted and transfer in my company. He blessed the location, close to the kids school and work. I mean I could
go on and on, the point is, favor rained on my situation. Although I was blessed
to leave my comfort zone and advance, I still was emotionally tied to my
hometown. Tied romantically, emotionally to family and friends I left and I didn’t
allow myself to grow mentally because of these ties at home. I left physically
but not mentally and emotionally and eventually allowed my past to reel me back
in and I left my blessing, I stalled my growth, I stepped out of Gods will and
everything from that day forward was real salty. … But God.
I was under the impression that going back home was going
to be easy. I figured, well I guess I really didn’t figure, I just assumed that
being home, life would be great. I finally decided to truly settle down and move
in with my man and his four kids, plus my two boys. I was unable to transfer with
the job I had but hey, I could find a job in no time and I had extra income to
work off of. It wasn’t like that at all. The first six months was rough. I had
become a instant step mom therefore a mother of six kids which was an issue in
itself. I couldn’t find a job and my extra income had suddenly ceased.
Everything was falling apart. On the sixth month I found employment with a
previous employer but was making a little over minimum wage which was far less
money than I was making before I moved out of town. My relationship was falling
apart due to many things and by the eighth month we sort of separated and I
moved out. The first place I moved to
flooded twice by torrential rain within weeks of each other so I had to move
again. Some friends I had sorely missed were truly showing their true colors.
And my main support system, my Grandmother had died a year or so before so I
was at a lost. It seemed like all odds were against me. And it was my fault! My
decision to step out of God’s will cost me so much personally. And almost 7
years later I am still paying for that debt, the difference from then to now is
that I realize my mishap, I have asked God for forgiveness and I have forgiven myself. Now that I have had time to rethink, reevaluate, and I have come to a decision to return from whence I came. I have decided to go back
to where I stepped out of God’s will, to the city that my heart desired since I
was child. It’s time to go back to the drawing board and start again.
As excited as I am I am also scared and anxious, just as
I was when I left the first time. Although I have my reservations I am assured
God will provide as He has before. I feel like my book has already been written
and God already knew I was going to make this mistake. I feel like I was
ordained to come back to be shown that I wasn’t missing anything, to see how blessed I was and to be reminded of how good He is. This
experience has opened my eyes and I have matured in this mishap. I am ready in
every aspect to see what the future holds for me. I am ready to see my destiny fulfilled.
I am ready to experience the fullness of God’s plan for my life. I know if I
stay in my current place I will die here wishing, hoping, dreaming and working
hard for something that is not meant to be. I’m currently going in circles
trying to find my way out and a couple months ago it was revealed that I needed
to go back. Back to the drawing board, back to His will.
A lot of folks think going backwards in life is not the best idea to
move forward but in some cases it’s the only way to move in the right
direction. Life is full of mistakes but we must learn and improve upon them. We
will get off track but through every experience we should be learning how to
get back on track sooner, before we are lost in our own personal wilderness. And
in everything we should learn to pray and consult God before making moves and important life decisions. I'm currently planning, preparing and partnering with God to get me back to the place where I belong. It is never too late to try again as long as you are alive. I’ve
learned my lesson, I appreciate the experience and now it’s back to the drawing board.
~LTJ 3/12/2017
